I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
