Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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