There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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