Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
