onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
