chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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