So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
