I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
