dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
