another moral hangover. fuck.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
