I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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