just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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