im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
