So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
