i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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