Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Found the puke drawer
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
