meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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