Define "chronic" masturbator.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
