The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
