You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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