Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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