i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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