Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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