I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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