This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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