those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
