What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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