gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
