My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
