Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
