I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
