I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
