omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
