I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
