I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
