She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
