i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
