Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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