She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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