I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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