I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
