new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think my vagina is haunted
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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