I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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