it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
