She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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