Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
