so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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