i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
