I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
