went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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