Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
